It's all personal

Time for some emotional honesty. Ah, my favorite topic...

I believe we all tend to swing back and forth along the pendulum of personal risk at various times in life. I know I have spent weeks, even months, in a state of paralyzing self-defeat, only to wake up one day and realize I have lost all self-respect and motivation. To realize I am frozen in fear. At those times, I have to rally, so to speak. I dig deep within, seek counsel and encouragement from my closest confidants, and scour scripture to 'swing' myself mentally back to the point where I am free, to where I can once again take a leap of faith. Too often it takes me getting to that miserable, stagnant state to be able to move. The risk of putting myself in a vulnerable position outweighs the alternative of becoming a weak-minded individual, not merely influenced by, but living in, fear. There's a wise philosopher who once said "That that don't kill me, can only make me stronger" - or wait, was that Kanye? I have learned this lesson many times, and I know all the right answers to the questions; yet too often I forget, and allow myself to swing back into a state of "safety," of doubt, of fear. Too many times I'm sidetracked, stopped in my tracks by the Goliath of a self-defeating attitude. Sometimes, I even internalize others' doubts and fears and failures, so that I live under fear.

It's easier for me to examine my life in terms of risks when I look at my (somewhat scattered) career path. I've been blessed with some amazing opportunities, but I've struggled, I've fought, and I've had stake my claim each step along the way. Not that my path has been all that impressive, and not to say I have arrived, but baby, I've come a long way. I've tried new things, I've moved cross-country, and I've started all over again from scratch. All this with providential help and guidance, when I've had the sense to look and listen.

When I look at my personal life (and yes the two intertwine) --- well, that's a little harder to analyze. My journey has been equally challenging, the pendulum swinging back and forth just as often. As I'm swinging back toward risk in looking for my next step on the career path, I realize: I cannot truly be free until I'm open to others, in friendships and every type of relationship. The same kind of security I must draw from Christ and my community to take risks pertaining to my career, I must also take in my friendships and every type of relationship. I cannot allow hurt, anger, pride, or worst of all, fear to trap me, to stifle, to defeat me.

There have been times I feel my own God-given sense of survival surging up within me to object to complacency as my conscience calls me out. At times I've felt the supernatural- that's right I said it- hand of God himself lifting me out of my own mess, or at least to a place where I can deal with it with a clear head. I can't take the credit. Regardless of whatever area of life I need to step forward in, I know that the bottom line is this: God has given me the resources to be victorious. He didn't say "I've come to give you life, so that you can get by" - NO! He says "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." Living abundantly doesn't leave me room to live in fear. It doesn't allow me to shrink back from every obstacle because of unsurety. It doesn't mean keeping others' at a distance because people might hurt me.

Sometimes I will fall flat on my face, but hey, I've already been there, right? I may face personal rejection, but eh, my skin could stand to be a little thicker. Those whose approval I really care to have will cheer my successes and respect my attempts even in defeat. The rest don't matter. At the end of the day, if I can stand before my mirror and before Christ and say, "I gave it all I have, and I lived more abundantly," I'll be satisfied. And I think He will be as well. The rest don't really matter.