On Fear

I was musing over career and general life angst with a coworker during lunch today. Both intelligent, driven, and (for the most part) well put-together women in our mid-twenties, we seem to always find ourselves hashing out the same questions again and again: What career path should we pursue? How much should we invest in our careers long-term? How do we really know we are making the right decisions? How do we get past ourselves and our nagging fears that drive us to feeling that we must make the right decision, and that any alternative path might be wrong? Why the HECK do we find ourselves beating up against this same wall with the same questions over and over again with no answers and no relief? How do we move forward toward more meaningful jobs, better suited to our talents and passions, with the realization that what we are looking for cannot be found in the "right" job or man or wardrobe or social status? How do we simply move forward?


Is your head spinning yet? Because mine never seems to stop.

The more we questioned one another, and fed off of our respective fears and anxieties, the more I observed two things: A) Whatever we are focusing on in life at the moment (career, romance, adventure, acceptance) will not fulfill our deepest desires and B) The bottom line is always fear.

If I focus all my energies on my career (or lack thereof) and I deceive myself into thinking that discovering the right career path and being successful will make me ultimately happy, I might either become an extremely disappointed workaholic or continue to float aimlessly in indecision. If I am looking earnestly for the right man, God-ordained to treat me like a little princess and whisk me away from all my troubles, well then I'm going to die a lonely old soul or become quickly disillusioned with whatever suitor I might mistake to be the chosen one. Should I set my sights on celebrity caliber beauty, body and fashion sense (ha-who am I kidding!?!) I will either go broke trying or end up with an eating disorder or both. In each of these cases, I am motivated to meet my own needs and desires with unfulfilling means, and I am driven by fear of rejection, failure, or disapproval of others.

The point is this: Many of our issues have the same root problem and thus, I contend, require a similar solution. The root of all these evils fear. And the fear of anything other than the fear of God is both paralyzing and enslaving.

Yes, I am a PK (for those of you who don't know that's preacher's kid), and yes I'm going to spiritualize this. After all, in my humble opinion, there really is no separation between the spiritual and the secular. You see, a wise mentor once helped me work my way out of a certain bondage I had placed myself under in an attempt to fill my deepest desires and needs with a man, a relationship. He taught me that any fear - loneliness, abandonment, vocational failure, unattractiveness, rejection, etc- any fear that we allow to control or manipulate us will only place us in bondage when we elevate that fear, and whatever it drives us to, in our hearts. But there is an exception. All the aforementioned fears, those are what the Bible calls the fear of man. Sounds kind of odd, I'll admit, but what's packed into that little phrase can be quite powerful, and not in a good way.

But so much more so is the fear of God. The fear of God. Now, I will say that for a long time those words reared an ugly little head of rebellion in my heart. And skepticism toward Biblical relevance in the 21st century. To be honest, to some degree they still do. But hear me out. Because those of you who know me know I am just about the most stubborn, hard-hearted, rebellious little firecracker this side of the Mississippi.

I have allowed various fears to motivate me over my short 25-year lifespan. Every time I have awoken to the realization that I am living in unhealthy fear of something, I experience several telling signs: bondage, anxiety, insecurity, hopelessness, helplessness, weighed down, depression, loss and confusion. I've even gotten pretty good at recognizing when I'm living in fear, shaking myself out of that state and re-setting myself with a healthier mindset, at least in whatever area it is I've found myself in bondage. But only when I am truly trusting in the Lord, turning my issues and problems and anxieties over to Him, am I able to truly feel release, freedom, and a rushing high the likes of which must be a brief breeze of heavenly wind. You see, I think Godly fear is really not at all like the bondage-inducing fear we place ourselves under when we place more importance on what others think of whatever we say, do, accomplish, or wear. It is trusting that He cares for us, that He has given us gifts and abilities to use in the world, and that if we trust Him, He will see us through. Regardless of what everyone else on the outside, or even that nagging self-loathing voice on the inside, may be telling us. Those voices, those influences, those are the things of the fear of man. They want to keep us wrapped in bondage.

God does not. And He has called me each day to fear Him more than the world. To fear NOT using the talents He has given me, more than the failure or rejection that might ensue if I do. To fear the Lord is to believe Him and trust His promises, which are always true and always bring freedom. He promises to give me answers and wisdom if I come to Him trusting. He promises to bring peace to my troubled soul. But I cannot fear both man and the Lord at the same time. I cannot trust that the Lord will give me answers when I'm listening to everyone else around me tell me there is another way to be happy, fulfilled, freed from all I feel. I've tried it both ways, and He is tried and true. I've wandered and floundered a bit, and my journey is far from over. But I hear Him calling me to fear Him more than failure, ridicule or rejection, and trust His promises. Heaven help me, I intend to do just that.