Ok God, you and me: let's level. That's what I feel like saying. That's the dangerous state of mind I'm in. It's a somewhat Jonah-ish place, a disillusionment that thinks yes, I have a right to bargain with, to demand things of God. I am not happy and God, it's YOUR fault. Oh Lord, have compassion and mercy and let my words be few!
Not that he can't handle it. Not that he hasn't already been long-suffering with me.
I've been feeling out-of-sorts with life, and I've been discontent. More or less to some degree depending on the day and whatever I've found to distract me at the moment, but the fact still remains that underneath I am about as calm and at peace as Hurricane Katrina. And we all know what she left in her wake.
There are a lot of surface disappointments I could point to: stagnant if not nonexistent career, frustrated relationships, family drama, and a general feeling that the whole world about me is changing and that I can't relate and can't keep up. The feeling that MY world has forever changed, and not being able to reconcile with it. I don't mind change as long as it's positive and it's my idea. There, I said it. God, this is not the type of change I view as positive, and it sure as heck was not my idea.
God can handle my turmoil, and he is not going to leave me nor forsake me, no matter how long or hard I whine and cry to him. Which is probably why I should stop whinin' and cryin' to all my dear friends, who may not be so patient. Heck, I'M tired of me, I know everyone else must be, right? But GOD. But GOD.
Just about the time I think I'm going to level with Him, he reminds me just what level it is I'm on. Here's a hint: I've got a crick in my neck from looking up.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
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