Walking the fine line

A strange feeling hit me the other day, and it still lingers. 

Its as if I've just woken up from a long sleep only to find I've realized a dream.  And I have. 

Four years ago, if you had told me I'd be where I am today, doing what I do each day, having these kinds of experiences and opportunities, meeting the people that I meet - I would have said you were crazy.  Or maybe I'd have gazed wistfully just before reconciling myself to the fact that it wouldn't happen, couldn't happen, didn't fit into the box I'd pegged myself into. 

A very idealistic me once promised myself that if I were to have the kinds of opportunities I now have, if I were to live and work in such a place and time as this, if I were to answer the highest calling I might imagine, that I would never, EVER take it for granted.  That I would always stay true to the cause and the course. 

You would laugh at idealistic me in the fall of 2006, and you would have good reason.  I have many times since.  But there's another side to my faded Pollyanna attitude that can't be overlooked.  And here is where the fine line is drawn. 

Just as absurd as the thought that this place, this job, this life is the end-all be-all is the thought that it's no big deal that I am here.  That it doesn't really matter.  That I should just enjoy myself and experience this city.  That I shouldn't still seek to serve a higher purpose and calling. 

On the one hand, a calling suggests an inflated sense of self.  On the other, a blase and uninspired approach denies the very real blessing, opportunity, and privilege I've been charged with.  To deny would be to squander.  And to squander would be the kiss of death to the part of my soul from whence the Pollyanna still escapes, wizened though she may be.  And it's just plain irresponsible.

I owe it to myself and to my Maker who placed me here to walk the fine line.  To acknowledge the opportunities and bear the responsibilities; all the while realizing it's not about me and it's not about the stone and marble and egos.  I began to err on the side of pessimism, but I've been reminded of the bigger picture, and I'm seeing things anew.